Unhappy Motoring

OK, so I’ve been away for a while, which seems to be the typical way things work around here during the month or so after the Muriels. What can I say- I’ve been swamped lately, and I just haven’t had a lot of energy to keep updating the blog. Sorry about that, folks. And though I’d like to say that what got me to come back was the opportunity to write about a movie that was just too good not to share with the rest of you, the truth is that my motivation for this post is an inspiration as old as blogging itself- namely, the chance to write about something that pisses me off. If nothing else, I figure this might cleanse the palate in anticipation of more substantial writing that I hope will come in the near future.

So… what’s burning my brisket nowadays? In short, it’s those drivers on the highway who won’t scoot over so that others can enter the flow of traffic. Don’t you hate that? Think about it- you’ve just gotten on the on-ramp and are trying to accelerate to 65 mph. Sometimes, that’s a tricky proposition- there might be a steep incline, a sharp bend, multiple entrances to the ramp that need to merge into one before the cars hit the freeway. Heck, every once in a while it’ll be two or even three of these things. In short, you want to bring your car up to highway speed so that you won’t slow down everyone else.

Yet these idiots just mosey along in the far-right lane, not thinking about everyone who’s trying to enter. They cruise along at full speed like they’re the only ones on the road. And yes, I realize that technically, the drivers who are already on the highway have the right-of-way. But you know what? It’s called courtesy. It’s one thing when it’s rush hour and all lanes are filled with cars so that there really isn’t anywhere you can move to so that others can get in. I can understand that. It’s when no one else is around that this behavior annoys the hell out of me.

Take, for example, the humanitarian I encountered last night whilst trying to hop on I-670. It was 9:30 PM, so the roads weren’t exactly jam-packed. So there I am, trying to speed up my not-exactly-new car to enter the highway. As I approach the straightaway portion of the ramp, I see this guy in my rear-view mirror, speeding forward like nothing’s the matter. As a way of letting him know that I plan on merging with his lane (which was my only choice in this situation), I hit my left-turn signal. But he doesn’t move. What ends up happening then is that I scoot over into the shoulder and lean on the horn to express my displeasure.

So what does God's gift to the gene pool do next? He flips me the bird.

Really, fucko? REALLY? So it’s not enough that you nearly sent me careening into a concrete barrier (I’m not exaggerating) simply because you felt the need to stand your ground- how very Alpha Male of you!- but then you’ve got the nerve to fly the bird at me simply because I got in your way? That just won’t do, bud. It’s bad enough when you lack the courtesy to accommodate your fellow motorists, but when you more or less broadcast your pride in being discourteous- well, you just crossed the Curtis line, dickhead.

Coming soon on Things That Piss Paul Off: guys who can’t be bothered to lift the toilet seat in public restrooms. Seriously dudes, that’s just nasty.