"Yes, of course they're serious."

Over the past few days, I've observed with some amusement the online reaction to Steven Soderbergh's recently-announced project The Girlfriend Experience. Much of the reaction I've noticed has centered around the proposed casting of an as-yet-unnamed adult film star in the principal role. But some of the interesting talk has focused on the idea of surrogate girlfriends. According to Wikipedia, the "girlfriend experience" is a service provided by some prostitutes which entails treating the client as though she's his girlfriend, rather than a mercenary screw.

However, if someone is looking for the zest of a relationship but is too guilt-ridden/paranoid/cheap to hire an accommodating escort, there are other options. Of these, the one that provides the most oddness for your fake-dating dollar is a site I stumbled upon when reading the comments on Glenn Kenny's blog, called Imaginary Girlfriend. Go ahead, take a look, and try not to chuckle.

My first reaction to this discovery was disbelief. They couldn't be serious, could they? This whole thing smelled vaguely like an abandoned Jared Hess movie, or one of those harebrained ideas I would have thought up in my college days while intoxicated, like orange-juice-flavored toothpaste, or video rental by mail. Who would ever believe you could reliably and cheaply send movies through the US Mail and expect them to be returned? That's just crazy talk.

But no, Imaginary Girlfriend is for real. Heck, it even says so on the FAQ page. But rather than a downmarket version of GFE or even your very own Bianca, this is something much more mundane. Basically, you pay for girls to leave you romantic phone messages and send you love letters, e-Mail, photos and gifts so you can pretend to be in a long-distance relationship.

Yes, really.

As someone who has been in more than one long-distance relationship (a sad reality of many people's college years- or mine, anyway), I can attest to the fact that they really aren't much fun. They're all idealization and no proximity, which is okay for a short period of time but quickly grows interminable. The trouble is that sooner or later idealization is a pale substitute for real romance. Sure, people can profess their feelings to each other over the telephone or via e-Mail, but you lose out on the many wonderful small things you get from an up-close-and-personal relationship. It's more than just sex- it's watching her dozing on the couch while you're watching TV together or trying out a new recipe some evening just for the hell of it. No letter or phone message, no matter how poetic or candid, can compare to such things.

But then, is Imaginary Girlfriend really meant to give its customers the fun of a real long-distance relationship? Let's look at the FAQ page, shall we? Under the quesiton, "why would I want an Imaginary Girlfriend?", it states:

"There are many reasons. Some guys are tired of being told by friends and family to get a girlfriend."

So basically, we're talking about long-distance hetero beard duty. Moving on...

"Maybe you would like to make someone else jealous when they see how enamored your new girlfriend is by you."

Yes, until he turns to his own girlfriend, standing right the hell next to him, and makes googly eyes at her. Hard to compete with that.

"Perhaps you are wondering what it's like to have a long distance girlfriend?"

See above. It's hard enough for real, so why invite it?

"These are all good reasons, and it really depends on your situation. Having an Imaginary Girlfriend can be a lot of fun. What guy (or girl) wouldn't enjoy being showered with personal love letters and affection of an Imaginary Girlfriend? Having an Imaginary Girlfriend can be a great confidence booster!"

It's this last part that blows my mind. Sure, you get to walk and talk like you're in a relationship, but it's not real and you know it. You can re-read those letters all you want, but that won't make the sentiments in them any more real. And you don't even get any intimacy out of the deal- a few measly missives, maybe some perfumed panties, but no actual contact with the woman in question. What a confidence booster! Especially when one of your more longstanding friends actually thinks a little bit about your "relationship" and decides that something isn't quite right. Like- oh I don't know- the fact that you never really seem to have met the woman who allegedly loves you so much.

My single status has been well-documented on this blog, but this sounds desperate even to me. How arrested does your development really have to be for Imaginary Girlfriend to be acceptable by your standards? Seems to me the only thing a customer can get out of this is the ability to front like he has a girlfriend. And to me, that's one of the least of the pleasures one can derive from a relationship. Maybe it's cool when you're in middle school to brag about your relationships, but not so much when you're an adult. It's just not how it's done nowadays. And that some men still think it is- enough to sign on with Imaginary Girlfriend- just shows how out of touch they really are.

On the Imaginary Girlfriend site, there's a warning: "Anyone who has difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy should NOT use this service." Funny, because that's just about the only sort of person I can imagine getting any enjoyment out of it.